The Culture Ghost

Yes! A Clean Scan!

2012-01-13T08:36:00.000-08:00

My most recent PET scan showed "no evidence of recurring disease" so I am still cancer free.

Now what?

Tomorrow Is Scan Day

2012-01-09T16:44:00.001-08:00

What A Fuck-Up

2011-12-12T18:32:00.000-08:00

One of my co-workers showed me how to track my divorce proceedings online through the Contra Costa Superior Court website. The papers have been filed and set to be sent to me before February.

However, my wife bounced a check to the court and that has set things back. What an ass-clown she is. I am so relieved to be free of her.

Happy Birthday To Me

2011-12-10T09:50:00.000-08:00

Today is my one year back clean and sober in AA. I had 19 years, but relapsed over a prescription medication for about four months. Right after my wife left me, I realized that I hadn't been truly sober for several months, so I reset my sobriety date right after what would have been my 20th birthday.

And so it goes.

For My Wife

2011-12-09T10:12:00.000-08:00

Optic Nerve

2011-11-17T13:34:00.001-08:00

The Papal Vestments

2011-11-17T13:21:00.000-08:00

Softshell Crab Encountering Trebel Cleff

2011-11-17T09:57:00.000-08:00

The Square Function Observed

2011-11-16T14:28:00.000-08:00

Testament

2011-11-04T16:43:00.000-07:00

The Fulcrum of My Regard

2011-11-03T12:55:00.001-07:00

The Incubus At Rest

2011-11-02T10:04:00.001-07:00

The Rain Becomes The Clouds

2011-11-01T22:07:00.001-07:00

The Sermon On The Mount

2011-11-01T22:06:00.001-07:00

Fuck Google

2011-11-01T08:50:00.001-07:00

"Northwest Passage"

2011-10-31T11:35:00.001-07:00

"Monday's Comma"

2011-10-31T09:37:00.000-07:00

"Angst 139"

2011-10-28T10:08:00.001-07:00

Number 43

2011-10-28T09:11:00.001-07:00

Test 3

2011-10-20T12:07:00.001-07:00

Test 2

2011-10-20T11:34:00.001-07:00

Test

2011-10-20T11:10:00.001-07:00

Early Morning Image

2011-10-20T10:05:00.001-07:00

I Dunno

2011-10-14T16:44:00.000-07:00

I'm missing something from the pieces I'm producing. Am I intellectualizing the process too much or am I constrained by some repressive feeling that prevents true spontaneous from arising. Sometimes I get the composition just right and fail at the desired color effect. Or the colors are right, but the shapes seem artificial. Me thinks it's time to re-read Kandinsky's "Concerning The Spiritual In Art." I seem to be on the right path, but the detours and "mistakes" are frustrating.

One More

2011-10-14T16:38:00.001-07:00

Today's Experiments

2011-10-14T15:51:00.000-07:00

As always, click to enlarge.

I'm wanting my work to move in a more "painterly" fashion though I'm not sure if that is possible in a digital realm. Digital "paint" behaves much differently than oil or acrylic...while one may have a host of filters and effects available, I seem to be missing on the overall quality I'm aiming for...

Today's Abstraction

2011-10-13T10:07:00.001-07:00

Yet Another New Post

2011-10-12T15:35:00.001-07:00

Another New Post

2011-10-12T14:18:00.000-07:00

While The Boss Is Away

2011-10-12T11:24:00.001-07:00

Today's Post

2011-10-11T13:28:00.000-07:00

Yet Another New Post

2011-10-04T17:49:00.000-07:00

Another New Post

2011-10-04T13:34:00.000-07:00

New Post

2011-10-04T13:05:00.001-07:00

Miracles Do Happen!

2011-09-13T08:27:00.000-07:00

My gray cat came back!!! Unbelievable...I was just getting up from a nap when I noticed it was feeding time for The Horde. I pulled open the drapes to the back sliding door and there he was, just sitting there, waiting for dinner. He looked no worse for the wear and even appeared to have put on some weight. I was shocked; I thought I was seeing a ghost. He had been gone for a month and I had to assume that he was dead, but apparently. I fed him and then he wandered around the backyard for a while before coming in and demanding human food, which I gave him of course. Last night he settled down at my feet when I went to sleep and about four this morning crawled up onto my chest and started to purr. He's back to his usual self, demanding food and attention. I am absolutely delighted!!!!!

Thank you to all who wrote condolences and nice things on my post about his disappearance. They were quite comforting and I really appreciate the outpouring of sympathy. Of course, he will be the subject of this week's Friday Cat Blogging.

Everyday Is 9/11 If You're On The Receiving End Of U.S. Foreign Policy

2011-09-11T06:28:00.000-07:00

I Can't Help But Chuckle (and sneer)

2011-09-06T21:13:00.000-07:00

The most recently deceased Osama bin-Laden declared in one of his video messages that it was his intent to "bleed the United States dry."

Ten years later, our troops are scattered all over the planet (making the world safe for our kind of Democracy), god only knows what the covert groups are up to and we're experiencing one of the worst financial scenarios since the Great Depression and we live in a police state.

And finally, the U.S. Postal System is about to default to the tune of $5.5 billion.

Now, tell me who won the "war on terror."

Farewell, Old Friend.

2011-08-19T17:04:00.001-07:00

It's been a week now since my oldest cat, Vanya, went outside. He has yet to return and I fear that he has crawled off to die by himself. He had lost a little weight and was drinking a fair amount of water, but had been his vocal and demanding self (for food and attention). There didn't seem to be anything outwardly wrong with him. But he's gone now. He's been with me since he was a five week old semi-feral kitten. I remember holding him up in one hand and saying to myself, we're going to have many years together. And we did. Among his many nicknames was that of The Gray Crying Towel, for whenever I was upset or crying, he would crawl into my lap and purr while I clutched him and sobbed. I am just beginning to accept his loss and it hurts...I had hoped for another year or two with him, but alas it was not meant to be.

In the space of nine months, my mother died (November 2010), my wife left me (December 2010) and now my oldest feline friend has departed. It really doesn't seem fair to experience this much loss in such a brief time, but I suppose that is the nature of life.

Once again, farewell old friend and thank you for being a part of my life for so long. You will be deeply missed.

The Word of The Day Is:

2011-07-18T16:17:00.000-07:00

N.E.R.D. , which in the world of oncology is an acronym for No Evidence of Recurring Disease. In other words, it was a clean PET...no evidence of cancer. I can't describe how relieved, pleased and
grateful I am right now. More later when I regain my composure.

Scan Day

2011-07-15T10:48:00.000-07:00

Today was the second of my bi-annual PET scans to check for recurrence of my cancer. This is the sixth scan I've had since I was first diagnosed in Jan. 2009. My last was Jan. of 2011 and it was clean, though there is nodule they've been watching closely from the very beginning and thus far it hasn't done a damn thing.

Today was slightly different as it was first time I went completely alone. Usually my wife would accompany me and on the last occasion my friend John came with me. As the app't was so early, I didn't feel comfortable asking anyone to come with me ( false pride). So I went by myself, feeling at times like a Big Person and slightly sad and lonely at the same time. I took enough of my anxiety meds that I was ultra calm. The facilities are very modern, clean and new. Very positive vibe. Filled out some paperwork and then they took me back to weigh me. It appears I gained back some of the weight I lost over the past six months. Then it's into a private room where you change into scrubs and sit in a very comfy chair. Shortly afterwards the tech comes in and sets the needle in your arm and then goes to retrieve the radioactive glucose solution. It arrives in a lead lined box and they inject it very quickly as to minimize exposure for all concerned. I was given a heated blanket and sat cross-legged in the chair and then left to "marinate" as the tech put it. I popped in the earbuds for my iPod and I had narrowed it down to two selections: Beethoven's Ninth or Miles Davis' "Kind of Blue." I opted for "Kind of Blue" as it felt just right and when the opening chords came through I was elevated to a new level of calm and beauty. I then proceeded to inventory all the reasons I want and need to survive...all of them positive (for instance, I had to live long enough to be able to "give away" my sister should she ever decide to get married) and stuff like that. Eventually I dozed off and was having the most delightful dream about young women in their white Spring dresses when the tech came back and said it was time.

Now PET scanners are slightly different than CT scanners. A CT scanner is a big wide open "doughnut" and they just slide you in and capture the image. A PET scanner is more expensive, requires intense refrigeration and is long like an MRI scanner. They slide in and out of the PET scanner so many times you begin to feel like a pizza being cooked by non-confident pizza maker.
It lasts about 25 minutes as they shuttle you back and forth. I mostly kept my thoughts on positive things: things I want to do, art to make, books to read, places to travel and art I want to create. Then it was over. The tech asked me if I wanted a snack to take with me...damn straight.
I hadn't even had a cup of coffee this morning. Never has a can of Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice and a Quaker Oats Cereal bar ever tasted so good...and then it was time to leave. It is a glorious day out here. I have stuff to do and I'm feeling very confident about this scan.

Now we just wait, although I'm hoping against all odds that since I was so early that the radiologist will get to my scans this afternoon...otherwise Monday will be the earliest I hear.

So live well and live large for today.

My Mother: July 6, 1928 - November 16, 2010

2011-07-06T18:04:00.000-07:00

Today would have been my mother's 83rd birthday. This was one of her headshots from the 1950s.

Celebrate

2011-07-04T09:43:00.000-07:00

Small Gallery (5)

2011-06-29T16:57:00.000-07:00

as always, click to enlarge

Small Gallery (4)

2011-06-27T18:03:00.001-07:00

As always, click to enlarge.

Small Gallery (3) Photographs

2011-06-16T09:03:00.000-07:00

Dichroic Ribbon
Orchid Close-up

Mushroom Cap Detail

Small Gallery (2)

2011-06-15T09:26:00.000-07:00

Small Gallery

2011-06-12T20:10:00.001-07:00

I'm going through all my image files right now, so as I sift and sort, I'll be posting a lot of stuff that hasn't seen the light of a computer screen in some time.

Today Is...Six Months Clean and Sober

2011-06-10T19:13:00.000-07:00

leaves abstract (click to enlarge)

I had 19+ years but relapsed on a prescription drug last fall when my mother was dying of cancer. I'm back, but today has been a rough one.

Today Is

2011-06-09T03:32:00.000-07:00

six months to the day since my wife left me. I thought this cheerful little ditty was all too appropriate for the occasion. Plus my divorce papers are to arrive today.

I Was Never Concerned About The Rapture

2011-06-08T22:30:00.000-07:00

as I had Ceiling Cat in my kitchen the whole time.

From The Files

2011-05-19T15:38:00.001-07:00

quantum ball

Had To Be Done

2011-05-03T14:34:00.000-07:00

First PhotoShopping I've done since my mother became ill (Sept, 2010). Hopefully my mojo will return.

Now that's it over

2011-05-02T09:22:00.000-07:00

Go out and shop, you ignorant dolts. Be sure to stop at an All You Can Eat Buffet and celebrate!

BFD

2011-05-01T23:39:00.000-07:00

I'm still paying $4.33 for a gallon of gasoline...so we killed a terrorist leader. BFD.

Still Here

2011-04-25T14:21:00.000-07:00

April Is Indeed The Cruellest Month

2011-04-12T15:37:00.000-07:00

Time for my yearly reading of "The Wasteland."

Today

2011-03-21T17:02:00.000-07:00

would have been my third wedding anniversary.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

2011-03-14T11:52:00.000-07:00

I suppose The Universe thinks I'm made of stronger stuff than I think I'm made of...it all started on Oct. 8th 2008 at 5:30 pm when I broke my shoulder in a bicycle accident...since then I've been diagnosed with COPD; diagnosed with lung cancer; had surgery for said cancer; underwent 12 weeks of chemotherapy; had 35 sessions of radiation; had a petite mal seizure while on vacation; my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and subsequently died of it this past November; had another seizure in October; developed an addiction to Xanax for about six months; my wife left me three weeks after my mother's death; kicked the Xanax addiction and reset my sobriety date.

And yet I'm still here. Go figure. All of this in less than 2 and a quarter years...what is The Universe expecting of me?

90 Days - Part II

2011-03-10T08:24:00.000-08:00

Today I have ninety days back clean and sober.

Now the real work begins.

90 Days

2011-03-09T08:45:00.000-08:00

since my wife left me. I feel like shit.

My Two Year Anniversary

2011-02-18T09:39:00.000-08:00

Exactly two years ago today, I underwent surgery with a marvelous and delightful surgeon to remove the lower third of my right lung. I went into the operation as a Stage IIA patient and came out minus one third of my lung and Stage IIIA as it had spread to a lymph node outside the lung. As my oncologist said, it was only a hundred million cells detectable only by microscope and he said he doesn't even get interested until it is at least six billions cells.

In the words of my friend from the previous post said, "I'm fucking lucky I'm not dead." And this is indeed the case...so like it or not it is my full intention to stick around another thirty or so years.

And thank you all for your love, support, compassion and kindness over the past two years; I couldn't have done without you (this includes the nameless one "who makes things better" and he knows who he is....).

Inspiring

2011-02-16T11:16:00.000-08:00

I know the feeling.

From My Files

2011-02-08T12:46:00.001-08:00

60 Days Back

2011-02-07T13:34:00.000-08:00

Today marks 60 days back sober. I would have had 20 years on December 4th, 2010, but after a thorough and searching analysis of my conduct and behavior, I reset my sobriety date to December 10th, 2010 as I had been abusing the prescription drug Xanax for at least three months. I was not technically sober...so painful as it was to yield all that time, it was the right and necessary thing to do.

I'll Get Right On That....

2011-01-27T07:54:00.000-08:00

"oh just die already you miserable cunt" - message left for me by a friend (?)

First Day of The Spring Semester

2011-01-24T14:58:00.000-08:00

Not too crazy compared to first days past. The worst part of the day has been telling people my wife left me when they ask after her. Each time it feels like a spear entering me and then being twisted. I just want to go home and have a good cry.

Four Great Losses

2011-01-16T20:24:00.000-08:00

January 20th, 1990 - My best friend and his wife are killed in a bus accident outside of Kathmandu. I spend the rest of the year attempting to drink myself to death, but get sober on December 4th, 1990 after a four day drunk costs me everything.

August 2nd, 1991 - My father dies of lung cancer almost five weeks after being diagnosed. I am barely nine or so months sober. This is a huge loss in my life. I see a one-on-one grief specialist for almost a year.

November 16th,2010 - My mother dies of breast cancer in her apartment in Manhattan. She has put up a tremendous struggle after being given only two weeks to live back in September. I haven't even begun to grieve my mother's death. There was too much involved in the relationship to do this unsupervised. I start grief counseling on Jan. 26th.

December 9th, 2010 - My wife leaves me after 15 years together, two and a half of those married. I am alone, hurt beyond measure, terrified of being alone and in a world of pain.

Today has been a particularly agonizing day. I've been paralyzed by grief and have been incapable of getting off the sofa...just lying in a pool of my own sweat underneath the comforter.

Learning To Live Again

2011-01-15T23:25:00.000-08:00

That's where I'm at today...I suppose the best thing about where I've landed is there is only up from here. But it appears to be a steep and difficult climb.

Relief

2011-01-11T12:24:00.000-08:00

The nurse-practioneer from my oncologist's office just called. My blood panel came back; my liver function panel has returned to normal. It had been elevated (some levels double and one level triple above normal) according to a blood workup I had done in the second week of December. I attributed it to the near toxic levels of Xanax I had been ingesting for the previous two months. Once again, Someone or Something is looking out for me...really. I know a fair amount of my readership doesn't share my beliefs, but The Universe has really taken care of me in some ways, so I continue to have faith (though it is a struggle)...too many coincidences for it to be an accident.

As I commented to a co-worker, now what do I do? It appears I'm not going to die in the immediate future. And frankly from where I am standing right now, it is far easier to die than it is to live. I'm afraid of life and have been off and on (why do think I drank?) for most of my time here.

Agony

2011-01-10T19:41:00.000-08:00

That's the only word I have left to describe how I'm feeling right now. My wife called me this evening to go over an e-mail I sent her about all our possessions. All in all it was a marvelous call and I am so grateful to hear from her. However, when I asked if there was even the faintest hope or chance of reconciliation, she replied, no. I needed to hear that, but it continues to echo like a gunshot in my cranium. The finality of this is overwhelming right now. I've cried several times and more than likely will cry myself to sleep tonight. I continue to be devastated and can only hope time will lessen the pain as I am told it will. Still, the unimaginable has happened and I find myself nearly incapacitated by my situation.

I also asked an enormous favor of her: I asked that if I became really ill again, would she come out and hold my hand and she said, yes. This is of great importance to me and the relief I felt upon hearing her words was tremendous. I also expressed the wish that I hoped we could remain friends and that, too, was met with favor, if not right away, but in the long term.

Meanwhile, it will be another long night as I attempt to pull myself out of this pit of agony and despair. I need to so some housework and feed myself.

A Little Upbeat News

2011-01-09T19:58:00.000-08:00

Found this link last night...it will be going on the sidebar: The International Dada Archive what a treasure trove. I'm very pleased with this find.

And then a friend of mine gave me a three month membership to Netflix as a belated Christmas present. I had been talking about getting one as part of my recovery and a way to get back in touch with film which I once loved so much. Then, out of the blue, this e-mail arrived. I actually began to cry as it was such a thoughtful gift...and something he didn't have to do. Thank you very much. This really made my day and I can't wait to get started.

So it's not all gloom and doom over here...for the moment.

"My Wife Left Me"

2011-01-09T12:09:00.000-08:00

I can't describe the level of shame and embarrassment I feel when I utter that phrase. It seems like such an enormous failure on my part. I feel as though I have let down so many people; I'll never know this, but it is real to me today. Hopefully it will pass. Meanwhile this is compounded by the grief, remorse and regret that haunt my every waking hour.

It is important to remember "that which does not destroy me only serves to make me stronger." I will prevail. I am a survivor and I've survived so much prior to this. Time will tell and it will be the test of my faith and courage.

Observation

2011-01-09T10:01:00.000-08:00

It appears The Universe has felt it necessary to deprive me of two of my most significant relationships: my mother and my wife. My mother died at age 82 on November 16th in Manhattan. I was present at the time and sank into deep despair. My mother and I did not have the healthiest of relationships. There was still a lot of hurt, anger and disappointment on my part. I thought I had done a lot of work around these things, but apparently not enough. I am near ashamed of my behavior following her death as it was immature and self-destructive. When I got sick, I began to call my mother everyday to re-assure her about my condition, but it was probably the re-assurance I needed that she was still out there and would support me through my illness. I became somewhat dependent on those conversations for God knows what.

Since breaking my shoulder in a bicycle accident in October of 2008, I became dependent on my wife for all manner of things. It happened slowly as I was first laid up for six weeks. Then the diagnosis of COPD followed by the lung cancer which consumed all of 2009. As I became sicker and needed more attention, she rose to the occasion and literally ran the house and my life. I had no idea what I would do without her. Even in 2010 when the PET scan revealed all clear, I continued this unhealthy dependence upon her, not realizing what I was doing. Ultimately I made her my primary caregiver and Higher Power. This was too much to ask of any one person and when my mother was dying, my need for her became almost insatiable and utterly unrealistic. My demands were unreasonable, for emotional security, comfort and support. So when we returned to California, she left me in order to save herself.

So my primary relationships are over. And while they were not the healthiest to be had, I was dependent upon them. In some ways, the bottom has fallen out of my world. Everyone tells me to be brave and face today with as much courage as I can summon. These are devastating losses, but if I trust in The Universe I will be okay. Or so I'm I told. I have no idea what The Universe's plans are for me, but so many tell me it will be all right in the long run. My wife always used to tell that everything was okay in the present and that everything would be okay in the future. I can only hope she was right and put my faith in positive outcomes.

Fear Once Again

2011-01-08T21:22:00.000-08:00

As I sit here in my cold house, the fog and clouds encasing the outside, trying to summon the energy and spirit to get something done this evening, I am terrified at the prospect of being alone for the rest of my days. I realize this is irrational and I have no idea what The Universe has planned for me, but it weighs heavily on me. I feel abandoned and lost right here and now. The unthinkable has transpired and I am greatly diminished for it. At least for the time being. Hopefully I will heal. Hopefully I will let her go gently as she requested. Hopefully I will move on and become a better person for this experience. Only time will tell.

30 Days

2011-01-08T20:37:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I will have thirty days back as a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I can stop raising my hand as a newcomer and continue to work at being a sober person. I would have had 20 years clean and sober on December 4th and while I did acknowledge the anniversary at a meeting on that day, I had to be honest with myself and admit my addiction and dependence on the prescription drug Xanax. I abused the drug for the better part of a year, particularly as my mother was dying in New York and my wife was providing with me a steady supply from purchases she made online. So on December 10th, the day following my wife's departure, I announced at group level I was resetting my sobriety date. It was painful and quite humbling, but necessary if I want to survive and grow.

Some seemingly overwhelming obstacles remain...learning to live for myself has always been a challenge as I tend not to value my life or myself as my history will bear out. I've never been certain where this self-loathing and self-defeating attitude stem from, but I have spent years in therapy and recovery trying undo it as a basis for my existence. I'm uncertain if I can ever forgive myself for what I've done over the past two years as it relates to my sobriety and my marriage. As a good online friend pointed out, the toughest amends are those we make to ourselves. I find it so difficult to believe I deserve a good and satisfying life and it is precisely this attitude that cost me everything. I've been angry and bitter over the summer and had no gratitude for my life. I took most everything for granted and forgot to be thankful. I took but did not give back until it was near too late. I have much wreckage to clear away as I begin, hopefully, a new and bright life.

Remorse

2011-01-08T19:55:00.000-08:00

Once when I was probably acting out or restless, irritable and discontent, my wife prompted that all she wanted was to be happy, joyous and free as it promises us in The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And to love me. All in all, not too much to ask as we had all the makings in our grasp. Unfortunately I was driven by self-will run riot and I liked being the way I was: angry and ultimately at odds with world. My wife said something as she was packing up to leave. She looked at me, almost in anguish, and said, "You don't want to get well, do you?" These words continue to haunt me as I fear she was correct. It was easier to remain angry, disappointed and bitter even though I had convinced myself I wasn't any of those things. I thought my battle with cancer had been a growing point and it was for a while. I grew spiritually for a while, but sank into complacency and co-dependence in a short time. Instead of being grateful I railed at those things that had saved my life. I became addicted to Xanax. I allowed my wife to do everything for me and I made her my higher power in a myriad of ways. In the end, this helplessness, anger and lack of gratitude cost me near everything. Not only have I lost my marriage, but my dearest friend as well. And I all I had to do was listen...what is so wrong or difficult about being happy, joyous and free?

Crossroads

2011-01-08T19:43:00.000-08:00

Another day of near paralysis as I sat at the computer surfing the net. I become overwhelmed by remorse and a vertigo like feeling when I contemplate my wife now living in NYC and never coming back to our marriage. The intense pain is almost unbearable. I know others have gone through worse than I am experiencing and it helps to mitigate the pain when they share their experience with me. The sorrow I feel...and guilt and remorse.

I must be brave. I must accept this as part of my life and grow with it. This seems like such a Herculean task. I'm frightened and lonely right now. But I must think of Scarlett O'Hara and realize "tomorrow is another day." If I don't drink, if I trust in The Universe and all it is capable of and I stay calm and serene, I will survive and grow.

A Somewhat Broken Man

2011-01-08T17:43:00.000-08:00

If I focus too long on my sorrow, the pain of absence and my fear of the future, I feel broken and irreparable. But I get momentary glimpses of possibilities and outcomes. Some of them are downright scary and others have the faint glimmer of promise. Eugene O'Neill said it well: "We are all born broken; God is the glue." Currently I am broken, but this, too, shall pass given the course of time and a lot of effort on my part. My spirit cries out longingly for that which I no longer have and I reel in horror at the consequences of my actions over the past year. But if I tap into the creative energies and spirit of The Universe, all will be well. I, alone, cannot do this. But with a power greater than myself, my life will turn around, at least that is what they tell me. So I am cultivating my faith and spirituality in the face of one of the greatest tests I have encountered in my life. I thought cancer was devastating news, but I rose to the occasion by faith, a belief in God's plan for me and the kindness and support of so many people. These concepts enabled me to survive this far and I must return to them for this next adventure in living. Please be there for me as I cannot do this by myself. Thank you.

Sleep

2011-01-07T23:04:00.000-08:00

While I need it and I have not been resting comfortably, it is a wonderful escape into another state of being. But I have come to dread awakening...reality hits me like a thunderbolt and I tossed from my refuge into the turmoil of my being.

The Depths of Sorrow

2011-01-07T22:35:00.000-08:00

Today I've been wrestling with the enormous reservoir of grief over my marriage breaking up. It seems almost unlimited as I plunge further into it. I know the pain is a necessary component of the healing process and I am trying to stay out of self-pity, but the bottom has fallen out of my world. I've had break-ups in the past and at times I reach across the decades and tap into that pain as a reference. However, nothing has prepared me for the mind-boggling heartbreak I am feeling now.
I remember when I was newly sober in January of '91 and was in New York City taking care of my mother who had developed lung cancer. I was her only living relative and it fell upon me to minister to her while she was undergoing chemotherapy. I was in great despair, still reeling from my last drunk which had cost me everything and now my mother was gravely ill. It was one cold winter night when I turned to the Psalms in The Bible, looking for solace and wisdom. Several of the more lamenting Psalms lept off the page and their emotional outpouring and poignancy was quite comforting. I wish I remembered what Psalms they were as I feel that sense of abandonment, despair and am acutely aware of being alone after all these years. So many have counciled that this, too, shall pass and while I know they are right, I would to step into a time machine and fast forward to a place of peace and understanding. I also understand it is necessary to grieve my loss and walk through the pain and become a better person for it. Ultimately this is a test for me in trusting The Universe and that it has a plan for me. As my wife used to say, The Universe hasn't brought you this far just to drop you on your head. I must take that on faith and continue my march on the path to wellness, recovery and peace.

A Tough Day

2011-01-07T16:14:00.000-08:00

Today has been a disappointment compared to yesterday. On Thursday I was able to get a lot of chores and housework done and it felt good to accomplish so much. Today I got up real early much to my dismay. Mornings hit me like a bucket of ice water. The reality of my situation kicks its way into my consciousness with alarming speed. This morning was no different. But I had to see my oncologist at 9:00 am to go over my PET scan (which I knew to be clear as of Wednesday) and my blood work. The blood work revealed abnormal levels in my liver function panel. My doctor was concerned as some of the levels were quite high. He ordered me to get a fresh work up this morning which I dutifully did. Then my primary care physician called and they want to see me as soon as the blood work results are in. I'm a tad anxious about these elevated levels, but they can be probably attributed to the excessive amounts of Xanax I've been consuming over the year and the heavy doses I was ingesting around the time of my mother's death and my wife's leaving.

So I've spent most of the day at the computer, haunting my e-mail and gmail accounts and let the day slip through my fingers. I'm cold, lonely and somewhat apprehensive. Not a good score.

I Wish It Would Stop

2011-01-06T21:48:00.001-08:00

The pain over my wife leaving. I know it will take time to heal and move on and as she said to please let her go gently. I still reel from time to time at the enormity of her decision and my part in it. At times it threatens to overwhelm me with grief and despair...I just trying to keep moving forward. It's all that there is left me.

Now What The Hell Do I Do?

2011-01-05T19:28:00.000-08:00

Seriously. Just checked my voice-mail and while I was out, the nurse-practioneer called from my oncologist's office. The results from Monday's PET scan are back: all clear. Other than a peaky nodule sitting in right upper lung which has remained unchanged since the first scan, I'm clear. They're going to continue to monitor the nodule, but for the time being it is nothing to worry about.
Apparently I have some fractured thoracic vertebrae but they said they had already covered this in a previous appointment.

Now what the hell do I do with my life? Part of me was prepared for bad news and that this time I wouldn't have any fight left in me with what has happened in recent weeks. I admit to being at a loss for being alive. I would like to stay alive and lead a productive life and do all manner of things; there is still a lot of living to do and I'd like to be part of it. Somehow.

Waiting

2011-01-05T15:46:00.001-08:00

Just called my oncologist's office to see if they had results from my PET scan on Monday. And I had blood work done just before the holidays. To be honest, I'm in a state of limbo...I don't know whether or not to go forward with things or just sit still and wait for the results. I'm experiencing some paralysis in my ability to get things done and this is uncomfortable for me. My usual state is one of busy as I like accomplishing stuff. But I'm scared about the future and what it may bring. Even if I get a clear scan, which is what I'm assuming will happen, I don't know what to do next. The bottom has fallen out of my world and life and I'm at a loss as to my next move.

Shame

2011-01-05T13:40:00.000-08:00

That is what I am currently feeling about the break-up of my marriage. Don't know where it is coming from, but it is the prevailing feeling today. I feel as though I let my wife down, disappointed my in-laws and ultimately myself. But it isn't a good feeling. It feels toxic and makes me want to bow my head in guilt and remorse.

Wow.

2011-01-04T11:39:00.000-08:00

I'm pondering the category I established for that last post, "An Unmarried Man" to borrow from the title of the film, "An Unmarried Woman." Very difficult to accept, but I'm working on it. Probably numerous posts to follow on this topic as we go forward.

It Hurts

2011-01-04T10:53:00.000-08:00

Got to admit the pain of separation from my wife is present. Not all the time, but enough to be a constant reminder of my failings as a husband and as a partner. I never imagined it would come to this and while the shock is beginning to wear off (though it hits me once in a while like a bucket of ice water), I am left with the anxiety of being alone for the first time in years. This frightens me as I am not confident of my own ability to care for myself. You see, I became overly dependent upon my wife in the past two years, for security and comfort, support and kindness. I gradually evaporated behind her and relied so heavily upon her for all things. It wasn't healthy and it placed an amazing hardship on the relationship. Now, I'm struggling to find my way back and become myself once again. But it still hurts a bit and I imagine it will for some time to come. Pain reminds me that I'm human after all.

Scan Day

2011-01-03T21:47:00.000-08:00

Today I had a PET scan at 3:30 pm to check me for any recurrence of the lung cancer that was detected two years ago. The scan itself was uneventful other than the technician being a bit rough with the needle when he was injecting me with the radioactive tracer. Now it's all about waiting for the results, possibly 72 hours depending on the radiologist. I must confess to being somewhat apprehensive about the results...not sure what I would do if the cancer comes back, although there is no reason to assume it has. Just my negative thinking taking over. Positive attitude and a determination to beat this disease has gotten me and my closest this far already, so, again, there is no reason to assume it has come back. I need to stay focused and calm and serve as an example to others who might need support and guidance under such circumstances.

Xanax

2011-01-02T21:44:00.000-08:00

During the past year, I became dependent upon a prescription drug, Xanax, prescribed by my med manager to combat the overwhelming anxiety I subject myself to. At first, it worked, as he had me on three mgs. a day ("four if you're having a rough day"). It was the "permission" to go to four mgs. a day that got me into trouble. My wife found a source online because soon everyday was a "rough day." Pretty soon I was up to five or six pills a day, in excess of the maximum dosage suggested by the manufacturer. I'm pretty certain it was a contributing factor in the first seizure I had on the cruise ship while we were on vacation. I paid this ominous warning sign no heed and got checked out by a neurologist who found nothing wrong with me. Tests supported his assessment. I went back to my normal routine but continued to take the Xanax with impunity. My mother's cancer came back in June of 2010 and she tried several varieties of chemotherapy to stem its rise. By September she called us back to New York City for her final weeks. I was "coping" with all of this with excessive amounts of Xanax which my wife was having shipped on a continuous basis to our house. And I permitted it, by this time lost in the throes of addiction. She even received a letter from the DEA saying they had seized her last shipment and to "cease and desist" from further ordering. I was completely whacked out on Xanax for the aftermath of my mother's death and the memorial service...it got me through, but with a significant price: I was not myself for any of the events. Upon returning to California my wife announced she was leaving me for a trial separation, which will ultimately lead to a permanent closure of the relationship. I stopped taking the Xanax right after her departure, but alas it was too late to save our marriage.

I reset my sobriety date on December 10th, 2010, announcing at group level that I no longer had 20 years as would have been the case on December 4th, 2010. I had been abusing a prescription drug and could no longer qualify myself as sober. I'm back to counting days and have 23 as of this writing. Hopefully good things will come out of this debacle, but I am in for some rough times ahead as I try to salvage portions of my life.

What I'm Trying To Read Right Now

2011-01-02T20:50:00.000-08:00

When I first got sober back in December 1990, an old and dear friend gave me a copy of William James "Varieties of Religious Experience" as it was suggested reading in "The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous." I plowed my way through most of it; it was one of the most difficult non-fiction pieces I had yet read. Twenty years later I find myself back in the same place almost. Having reset my sobriety date as a result of Xanax abuse, I am looking for meaning and definition as I attempt to pick up the fragments of my life and rebuild myself. If anyone is interested in reading along with me and posting comments on this blog, please drop me a line, I would really enjoy the companionship as we went through this book. Meanwhile I was pleasantly surprised to find it in e-text online.

If This Isn't Going To Put Strain On The Relationship

2011-01-01T21:29:00.000-08:00

Since Oct 8th, 2008 this is what has happened to me:

Oct 8th, 2008 - Bicycle accident results in broken shoulder of dominant hand/arm.
Dec 2008 - Diagnosed with COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disorder)
Jan. 2009 - Two spots found on lower right lung
Feb 18th, 2009 - Surgery to remove lower lobe of right lung.
March through May, 2009 - Chemotherapy
August-Sept., 2009 - Radiation therapy
February 23, 2010 - Seizure on vacation
Oct 23, 2010 - Seizure in my mother's apartment

Personally (and I guess I'll never know) I think the first seizure was the beginning of the end for my marriage. It opened the specter of yet another chronic condition, this one brought about by my anxiety discord. It was a disaster for our vacation, though we did salvage the remaining days after my release from the hospital. Yet, it showed that I was incapable of enjoying myself and relaxing while on this marvelous cruise. I think it planted the seed of demise in my relationship with my wife. I was now a burden of sorts. She said something about this as she was packing up to leave, "You don't want to get well, do you?" And while I was confused and hurt by this accusation at the time, the partial veracity of this statement has grown on me. I had drifted into being an emotional invalid and was completely dependent upon her for all manner of support and security. I had abdicated all responsibility for my life to her. I placed unreasonable demands and expectations upon the relationship. She had become my Higher Power. In hindsight, I see how this developed and how I slowly evaporated over the course of the year. And I was also completely dependent upon Xanax to keep me calm and balanced. Neither one was healthy nor did they work out. The Xanax became an addiction and cost me my sobriety which in turn cost me my marriage.

I'm off the Xanax. I've restarted my sobriety count. I'm separated, reluctantly, from my wife and my life is in complete disarray. I have no idea what the future holds in store for me and I'm quite frightened. The toughest part is letting go...and trying to escape the feeling that I let a lot of people down.

Update: There was the two week bout of pneumonia right after radiation finished. It was a side effect of the treatment.

Dark Night of The Soul

2011-01-01T20:25:00.000-08:00

I'm having many of these in succession. The mystics speak of that separation from God which causes so much pain and anxiety. I'm feeling that way now. I find it hard to believe my present circumstances yet I must accept them and move forward. And accepting that my Higher Power has a plan for me. Things have always worked out. While it may seem like I've been dropped on my head at the time, life has always worked out quite well if I'm willing to show up for it. In recent months I've been hiding behind a Xanax prescription which has landed me where I am now. Without my sobriety, life was me, self-will run riot. It cost me dearly. But I have the opportunity to remedy that now, if I'm willing to trust in The Universe. A lot of work for a person such as me, but quite necessary.

Fear

2011-01-01T19:57:00.000-08:00

I'm just consumed by it. While I have General Anxiety Disorder, this is pure fear. I'm basically afraid of life and living. I live in a constant state of agitation due to this, knowing little or no rest. I depended upon my wife to allay my fears and comfort me; it was an unhealthy dependence I realize now. I need to take faith in that everything will work out and the Universe will not drop me on my head, but it will take some time and work to make this a central tenet of my life.

Not Good

2011-01-01T11:32:00.001-08:00

I believe this is an example of stinkin' thinkin' as they call it in AA. I have a PET scan scheduled for Monday at 2:30 and of course I'm a bit nervous about it. Not the actual scan itself, but the results. I'm sure I'm clean, but there is part of me concerned about if the the cancer has returned. And there is actually part of me that would welcome its return. It would be an easier, softer way out of my troubles if I were to get sick again. My father died at 53 from this very same disease. It was a ticket out for him though he had second thoughts at the end.

However, I'm not ready to roll over and die just yet. I'm just not ready. There are numerous things I would like to do and see before my time is up and I return to The Universe. Hopefully I have the same tenacity as my mother who refused to give up.

In the mean time, please send good thoughts my way and encourage me to once again beat this disease. Thank you.

Happy New Year!

2010-12-31T23:47:00.001-08:00

Too Late

2010-12-30T17:48:00.000-08:00

Alas, it took my wife leaving after my mother's passing, for me to realize I was completely abusing Xanax. I wasn't technically sober and hadn't been in months, perhaps going back to February with the first seizure on the cruise ship. I just kept going, self-will run riot. Then my mother's illness and death, which we knew was going to tear me apart, we just didn't realize how bad. We had joked about in the previous years, but never completely grasped the enormity of it. It was a classic overwhelming situation and I failed to rise to the occasion. Lessons to be learned from this experience, quite a few. I need to get back on track, work an honest program and get healthy. I still have quite a few years left in me, I hope, and would like to live them out in peace, productivity and serenity.

A Test

2010-12-30T11:17:00.000-08:00

Scheduled for a PET scan (finally) this coming Monday. I'm slightly overdue-was supposed to happen last week. So now I wait with my thoughts running wild about possible outcomes. I am powerless over what happens next and must remember that. Just keep calm and take it one day at a time. Things will work out.

Whew...

2010-12-28T15:37:00.001-08:00

I had a deep scaling and cleaning performed by my dentist yesterday. She said I'm lucky: I'll be able to keep my teeth. Evidently there was so much plaque and other stuff built up over the last two years that it became a question of keeping my teeth. I am indeed grateful for this second chance and will not squander it. So tomorrow she's going to put in a bunch of fillings and use up my insurance allowance for the benefit year.

Sobriety

2010-12-28T15:20:00.000-08:00

Without it, I am nothing and I've got nothing. I reset my sobriety date this month. Instead of having 20 years on December 4th, I am counting days starting December 10th. I was abusing prescription Xanax the entire year and was not technically sober. This probably accounts for my mood swings and erratic behavior over the course of 2010. But I was not a sober person and cannot lay claim to all that time I once had. I lost my way and paid dearly for it. It is now up to me to return to a sober life, rectify the harm I have caused and live one day at a time. Time to embrace life instead of hiding behind a very powerful drug.

Do You Know

2010-12-28T15:06:00.000-08:00

how bloody fortunate I am to be alive? If it hadn't been for my Higher Power knocking me off my bicycle in October of 2008, my cancer would have gone undetected for all these two years. I could easily be a Stage IV battling for my life. Instead, by the Grace of The Universe, I am technically in remission while I wait for a PET scan authorization. I had a wife who took care of me and saw me through the worst of it and I took her for granted and made enormous demands on the relationship for safety and security. That's over now and I am greatly diminished for it, but I am still very lucky to be alive and in remission. I must remember that every waking hour.